Wrong Interpretations

and so, i give you a new song, written about a month ago... time has lost meaning to me... i wrote it concerning a few issues, but mostly it was me acknowledging that i am not good at intrepetting my feelings, or the reasons behind those feelings. Which means I always second-guess myself, and don't take chances. It came to me after I missed an opportunity to proactively follow a secret dream of mine. This version was the result of my strange and cynical thought progression.



Wrong Interpretations


This is how is starts:
Confusing head with heart.
Willing self to see
You'd want a girl like me - hallucination.

This is how I know:
Murphy's Law tells me so;
Whatever could go bad
Went bad before it had begun - destruction.

It could be everything we ever asked for;
It could be everything and more.

This is how it went:
All my patience had been spent.
I always wanted more
Than just friends. Walk out the door - this is rejection.

It could be everything we ever asked for;
It could be everything and more.
It could be everything we ever asked for;
t could be everything and more.

This is how it ends:
We can't be more than friends.
Knowing all along
My feelings were just wrong interpretations.

And now i've lost the war; no limitations.



Original Lyrics by bricrane 2009

reflections on '09

It seems apt that as the year comes to a close I should rediscover why it is that i have this blog.
Is it simply an outlet of my creative frustration and internal debates? Or is it because I still hold to the belief, however much I convince myself that I do not, that someone, somewhere cares; that someone somewhere wants to know me, to understand the intricate al beit strange workings of my mind? That, somehow, this shall answer questions I wish someone would have the guts to ask me to my face...

2009 - what a strange year you have been...

As I often do during my interim time in the bathroom (the only time that feels like mine and mine alone), I was thinking last night. Thinking is a dangerous thing for one like myself, who is prone to overthinking, overanalysing and absolute cynicism, which ultimately spirals down.. down... down...
i was pondering Christmas; Christmas 2009 specifically, as the day came to a close. This year has been different for Christmas. This morning I called it "understated" - i think i was wrong. I think, if I allow myself to be completely honest with myself, that this is the first year that i have felt no excitement about Christmas and what it holds - both as an event on the social calender, and an event of historical and/or religious significance. And what frustrates me is that I cannot pinpoint WHY that is...
And, of course, with that, I began thinking of this year as a whole. Remembering conversations over the last few days about what my plans for the future are and what I have achieved since High School, i found that my list for the future was more extensive than i thought (that there is some hope left in me, somewhere) and that my list for the last few years (four years... ugh) is not as short as i have always convinced myself. yes, i have 'achieved' a fair bit, despite my disbelief in myself.
I've always considered myself less than average, normal in the extreme, absolutely nothing special, nothing out of the ordinary. but i guess i'm not. not that i am more than those things, but that i am not average or normal - that, perhaps, 'average' and 'normal' are terms that cannot be efined conclusively and, as such, do not truly exist. i am different. that, in and of itself, is normal - for everyone is different - but i am not average, which is... not a relief, but strangely comforting.

And as for 2009... well, let's see:
- my parents moved back from melbourne
- i started a degree in med science
- i postponed studies in med science after 2 weeks part-time study
- i got a cat
- i conceded some hard things to myself and attempted to overcome them
- i travelled to north america by myself for a month
- i spent less time online, significantly less time
- i completed a 2-year apprenticeship
- i gained full-time employement
- i forgave my brother, and myself
- i started writing, a little, again
- i woke up

...so what does 2010 hold for me?
i'm not sure, entirely. But, i DO think that i can now move forward, to some degree. running, after crawling for so long, seems unwise - surely i will fall down quickly, and that would hurt. so, i must take baby steps, learn to walk upright by myself before i can run and leap and climb. yet, being awake, having the curtains open, allowing myself to see and feel and hope and dream... it makes me feel deeply vulnerable, absolutely, but, for the first time in a long time, i feel alive... and how bad can that be?

One and Only (In Everything)

You're there in every whisper of the wind
You're in the sunrise as the day begins
You're there in every high and every low
You're in the tears of joy and of sorrow

You are our God
the One and Only
Who gave His Son
To make us Holy
Redeemed our lives
Though so unworthy
So we could live
To bring You glory

You're there in every secret silent place
You're in each step we take and dream we chase
You're there in every strum and hit and chord
You're in our voices as we praise You, Lord

You are our God
the One and Only
Who gave His Son
To make us Holy
Redeemed our lives
Though so unworthy
So we could live
To bring You glory

Saviour
Redeemer
Creator
Supreme
Almighty
Forever
Our Father
And Friend


You're there as Spirit when our hearts cry out
You're in the light of day and dark of night
You're there in every breath and every sigh
You're in each second as the days go by

You are our God
the One and Only
Who gave His Son
To make us Holy
Redeemed our lives
Though so unworthy
So we could live
To bring You glory



original lyrics by bricrane 18/08/2009

As Yet Untitled

Music ringing in my mind
I wish that I could find a place
Could find a place
Without your face
Could find a face, to be

You fill my mind with every thought
I'm analysing and I'll fight
I'll fight for you
Until I'm through
I'll fight for you, to see

If you live each day
Like it's your last
You run the risk of losing
All that's never come to pass

And if you fight to save
What you've never won
You alienate the people
You never had a chance to love

Hearing lyrics in my head
I wish that I was dead
You're dead to me
Why can't you see
You're dead to me, to me

If you live each day
Like it's your last
You run the risk of losing
All that's never come to pass

And if you fight to save
What you've never won
You alienate the people
You never had a chance to love


You filled my mind with every thought
I've analysed it and I've fought
I've fought for you
And now I'm through
I've fought for you, not me



Original Lyrics 2009 bricrane

6 months

No, not my favourite song by Hey Monday, but a song of my own.

It's been 6 months since I said goodbye to songwriting, temporarily. As it so often happens, things, thoughts, epiphanies if you will, come to me at the most unexpected times, often the most inconvenient times when a pen and paper are nowhere to be seen and a recording device is inappropriate. That or I'm in the bathroom, drying my hair - that's happened a few times now... And that's how it happened for me a few days ago. Yes, I am writing again. That is to say, I wrote lyrics and have a melody - I'm still working on the arrangement and chords that work best (very backwards really). This might be a once-off; maybe there won't be any more songs for another 6 months... God, I hope not. Please, no.

So, next post is the new piece. As I said, it's really more of a work in progress, but the lyrics probably won't change, except for perhaps the order of verses, which changes each day. Let me know if you like it...

Warped Tour

I'm not going to rant and rave about it (not here, anyway), but I will say that this will not be a "first-and-last-time" for Vans Warped Tour, for me!

This is a list of the bands that I saw, at least in part, yesterday. I didn't get to see all that I wanted to see but there were 71 bands (and that's just in Atlanta) that played over the 10-hour, 85 degree, 90% humidity day (it did rain late on and All Time Low had to relocate). Some are new discoveries that I love, too. In order:
Seven Story Fall
3oh!3
Underoath
TAT
The White Tie Affair
Forever the Sickest Kids
Bayside
Black Tide
Senses Fail
The Devil Wears Prada
Scary Kids Scaring Kids
Versa Emerge
Ocean Theory
All Time Low

all the small things...

I've been thinking about this blog for about two weeks now... Who thinks about writing a blog, I hear you ask? Me. I think about a lot of things. Often, unnecessarily. Often, without thinking about thinking. And, often, forgetting about them as soon as I've thought of them.

The idea for this blog came to me on the 14th July whilst walking through the two main parks in Boston city. I had already been thinking about how strange, and yet comforting, it is that so many things can remind me of people - seemingly random things. In fact, I'm fairly certain I've mentioned it before... Even now, my mind is thinking about writing this blog and how I seem to be formalising my grammatical style, whilst also reminscing about recent events; thinking about the fact that I will miss yet another concert by one of my favourite bands (the Cab are playing tomorrow night in Atlanta, for $10 no less); and getting more frustrated at the guy sitting next to me, who stinks like hell and is now playing an audio clip. Yes, I think about all those things at once, and still have space to analyse 'why?' and 'how?' and the reasoning etc etc you get the idea.

I digress...

All the small things. So, as I was walking over a footbridge over a pond in a park in Boston - a pond where you can pay someone to float you around in a swan-shaped boat for 10mins (please!) - there was a group of three teenage guys busking. Picture a Jonas Brothers-esque group - they sounded much the same but were all playing acoustic guitars, and not strumming in time (annoying). The song they were singing, as I recall it, was "All The Small Things" (of course, that may just be what I remember... I tend to 'hear' songs that remind me of places or people or events e.g. Yellowcard as I walked down Ocean Ave in Santa Monica, and The Academy Is as I drove past Barrington High in the Hills of LA)... I'm good at getting side-tracked... and this blog is quickly becoming the much longer, thought-out version of my hyperactive mind...

Let me quickly say what I need to say.

Tomorrow I begin to head home after four weeks of travelling North America. Many people have told me that I am brave and independent and even inspiring as I have travelled - I have met so many beautiful people. But, that is not how I see it. I do not see this trip about me (although, in all truth, I have learnt a lot about myself... or, at least, how others' see me). What has made this trip so memorable, so much fun and something I want to do again (soon!) is all the small things:
- iconic objects like red fire hydrants, yellow cabs, FedEx vans, fast food outlets...;
- people: the famous celebrities of Hollywood that I didn't meet; Jena and Noah in Ohio; everyone who was on the Cosmos tour with me (all 42 - plus John and France - of you); the 4 lovely ladies I met here in Atlanta that drove me to and from Warped and hung out with me; and the randoms on the streets, in the hotels and in the air;
- the sites - both the historic and the little places I found along the way;
- the weather, the flora and fauna... nature in general, including climate and geography;
- the things that I associate with people, places and events, both past and present.
... all the SMALL things!

And, yet again, I find it easier to quote the good boys of Fall Out Boy than say what I really think, word for word. So I leave you with these songs, which have been in my head of late:
Homesick At Spacecamp; and
Sending Postcards From a Place Crash (Wish You Were Here).

(They actually appear one-after-another on their album: Take This To Your Grave - my favourite FOB album.)


So, Sydney, I'll be seeing you and all your glory and wonderful people in approximately 2 days (or 3 days if you are where I am, currently... yay for time zones!)

After that, who knows, I may just return to the self I was a month ago, before all these small things happened in my life... I surely hope not...


xx bri