and so, i give you a new song, written about a month ago... time has lost meaning to me... i wrote it concerning a few issues, but mostly it was me acknowledging that i am not good at intrepetting my feelings, or the reasons behind those feelings. Which means I always second-guess myself, and don't take chances. It came to me after I missed an opportunity to proactively follow a secret dream of mine. This version was the result of my strange and cynical thought progression.
Wrong Interpretations
This is how is starts:
Confusing head with heart.
Willing self to see
You'd want a girl like me - hallucination.
This is how I know:
Murphy's Law tells me so;
Whatever could go bad
Went bad before it had begun - destruction.
It could be everything we ever asked for;
It could be everything and more.
This is how it went:
All my patience had been spent.
I always wanted more
Than just friends. Walk out the door - this is rejection.
It could be everything we ever asked for;
It could be everything and more.
It could be everything we ever asked for;
t could be everything and more.
This is how it ends:
We can't be more than friends.
Knowing all along
My feelings were just wrong interpretations.
And now i've lost the war; no limitations.
Original Lyrics by bricrane 2009
Friday, December 25, 2009
reflections on '09
It seems apt that as the year comes to a close I should rediscover why it is that i have this blog.
Is it simply an outlet of my creative frustration and internal debates? Or is it because I still hold to the belief, however much I convince myself that I do not, that someone, somewhere cares; that someone somewhere wants to know me, to understand the intricate al beit strange workings of my mind? That, somehow, this shall answer questions I wish someone would have the guts to ask me to my face...
2009 - what a strange year you have been...
As I often do during my interim time in the bathroom (the only time that feels like mine and mine alone), I was thinking last night. Thinking is a dangerous thing for one like myself, who is prone to overthinking, overanalysing and absolute cynicism, which ultimately spirals down.. down... down...
i was pondering Christmas; Christmas 2009 specifically, as the day came to a close. This year has been different for Christmas. This morning I called it "understated" - i think i was wrong. I think, if I allow myself to be completely honest with myself, that this is the first year that i have felt no excitement about Christmas and what it holds - both as an event on the social calender, and an event of historical and/or religious significance. And what frustrates me is that I cannot pinpoint WHY that is...
And, of course, with that, I began thinking of this year as a whole. Remembering conversations over the last few days about what my plans for the future are and what I have achieved since High School, i found that my list for the future was more extensive than i thought (that there is some hope left in me, somewhere) and that my list for the last few years (four years... ugh) is not as short as i have always convinced myself. yes, i have 'achieved' a fair bit, despite my disbelief in myself.
I've always considered myself less than average, normal in the extreme, absolutely nothing special, nothing out of the ordinary. but i guess i'm not. not that i am more than those things, but that i am not average or normal - that, perhaps, 'average' and 'normal' are terms that cannot be efined conclusively and, as such, do not truly exist. i am different. that, in and of itself, is normal - for everyone is different - but i am not average, which is... not a relief, but strangely comforting.
And as for 2009... well, let's see:
- my parents moved back from melbourne
- i started a degree in med science
- i postponed studies in med science after 2 weeks part-time study
- i got a cat
- i conceded some hard things to myself and attempted to overcome them
- i travelled to north america by myself for a month
- i spent less time online, significantly less time
- i completed a 2-year apprenticeship
- i gained full-time employement
- i forgave my brother, and myself
- i started writing, a little, again
- i woke up
...so what does 2010 hold for me?
i'm not sure, entirely. But, i DO think that i can now move forward, to some degree. running, after crawling for so long, seems unwise - surely i will fall down quickly, and that would hurt. so, i must take baby steps, learn to walk upright by myself before i can run and leap and climb. yet, being awake, having the curtains open, allowing myself to see and feel and hope and dream... it makes me feel deeply vulnerable, absolutely, but, for the first time in a long time, i feel alive... and how bad can that be?
Is it simply an outlet of my creative frustration and internal debates? Or is it because I still hold to the belief, however much I convince myself that I do not, that someone, somewhere cares; that someone somewhere wants to know me, to understand the intricate al beit strange workings of my mind? That, somehow, this shall answer questions I wish someone would have the guts to ask me to my face...
2009 - what a strange year you have been...
As I often do during my interim time in the bathroom (the only time that feels like mine and mine alone), I was thinking last night. Thinking is a dangerous thing for one like myself, who is prone to overthinking, overanalysing and absolute cynicism, which ultimately spirals down.. down... down...
i was pondering Christmas; Christmas 2009 specifically, as the day came to a close. This year has been different for Christmas. This morning I called it "understated" - i think i was wrong. I think, if I allow myself to be completely honest with myself, that this is the first year that i have felt no excitement about Christmas and what it holds - both as an event on the social calender, and an event of historical and/or religious significance. And what frustrates me is that I cannot pinpoint WHY that is...
And, of course, with that, I began thinking of this year as a whole. Remembering conversations over the last few days about what my plans for the future are and what I have achieved since High School, i found that my list for the future was more extensive than i thought (that there is some hope left in me, somewhere) and that my list for the last few years (four years... ugh) is not as short as i have always convinced myself. yes, i have 'achieved' a fair bit, despite my disbelief in myself.
I've always considered myself less than average, normal in the extreme, absolutely nothing special, nothing out of the ordinary. but i guess i'm not. not that i am more than those things, but that i am not average or normal - that, perhaps, 'average' and 'normal' are terms that cannot be efined conclusively and, as such, do not truly exist. i am different. that, in and of itself, is normal - for everyone is different - but i am not average, which is... not a relief, but strangely comforting.
And as for 2009... well, let's see:
- my parents moved back from melbourne
- i started a degree in med science
- i postponed studies in med science after 2 weeks part-time study
- i got a cat
- i conceded some hard things to myself and attempted to overcome them
- i travelled to north america by myself for a month
- i spent less time online, significantly less time
- i completed a 2-year apprenticeship
- i gained full-time employement
- i forgave my brother, and myself
- i started writing, a little, again
- i woke up
...so what does 2010 hold for me?
i'm not sure, entirely. But, i DO think that i can now move forward, to some degree. running, after crawling for so long, seems unwise - surely i will fall down quickly, and that would hurt. so, i must take baby steps, learn to walk upright by myself before i can run and leap and climb. yet, being awake, having the curtains open, allowing myself to see and feel and hope and dream... it makes me feel deeply vulnerable, absolutely, but, for the first time in a long time, i feel alive... and how bad can that be?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
