but i am tired

I am tired
But I cannot sleep
There is too much to do
Too much to accomplish
Too many people
Too much work

Even as my eyes grow weary
My eyelids feel the gravity
My head begins to tilt
My mind starts to wander

I can hear
I still listen
But it flows through me
Like a gentle creek
Flows over boulders
So the words
Flow over me
And I am unchanged

Then I stir
My consciousness awakes
My eyes drift upward
I jerk upright

This is not the place I just was
You are speaking words I do not understand
Like pages ripped from a book
I know not the context
The background
The story you speak of

Why do you look at me
As though I were asleep?
I was here
I was listening
I was just resting my eyes

How I wish I could rest them more

I see only turmoil
Dismay and disruption
Depression and destruction
I see a river
But it flows too gently
I need to go upstream
I need to seek fresher water
Where the river gushes forth from it's source
Where even boulders roll
It is a mighty river
It demands change
It refreshens
It replenishes
It renews
I am satisfied
It quenches my thirst

My eyes grow weary
But my soul is awake
It is ready
It is waiting
For the new day
For there is work to be done
There are people to see
There are boulders to roll
And new paths to create
Where the river has not flown before
Where the rocks are overgrown
with moss and weeds
and entangled in the vines
They too thirst
Thirst for movement
For change
For freedom
But what can they do?
They are just rocks
I am just a weary person
But the river is within me

I must rest now
But the river is waiting
Waiting for the sunrise
When the floodgates open
And it can spring forth
and fill the land
With fresh water
With living water

But I cannot sleep
There is too much to do

change

"it's all goin to change next year, char."
"what do you mean?"
"i don't know. i just have this overwhelming sense that everything is going to change."
"in a good way?"
"not sure... maybe..."

it was nightime. probably about 9 or 10pm on a friday night. standing on hill street just outside st andrew's, i was looking up at the sky above the railway lines in roseville, watching the stars.
and i simply had an overwhelming sense that everything was going to change...

that was about a year ago...


it's not that i don't like change. or am afraid of it. it can be good. really good. but, that night, i knew that i would stand in exactly the same place a year later (now) and not a lot would be the same... and not a lot is...

sometimes it's been hard. really hard. and testing. and sometimes it's been great. really great. and fun. i don't really feel like a different person. it's just that i'm a year older now. i have a years more experience. a years more learning. a years more wisdom and maturity. but i'm really the same person, right. just now, i write 07 when i date things. and next year i'll write 08... and life moves on. ever-changing. one year at a time.

soul

'Whatever my lot, thou has taught me to say: It is well with my soul'

That was the chorus to one of the songs I sang last night... how true it is.




It's strange... the last week or so... I thought I had finally gained some good footing on where my life is heading - some clarity on the future if you will - and then, piece by piece, it all seemed to slowly, well not fall apart, but unravel a bit. I say unravel because it can be fixed, stitched back together, but it relies on finding the right pieces to fit together in the right way, at the right time, with the right threads. So for now, I wait... till december, by then perhaps...


I read a quote on Thursday about the soul - you know when you hear something just at the right time? It was:"You do not have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body." ~ C.S. LewisPutting things back into perspective, I remembered that this world is NOT all that there is - there is a hope, a love so much greater. A purpose. A destination. There IS a future, and, despite the fact that I may not know what's happenin in my life next year, next month, or even next week, the bigger picture makes far more sense, and i DO have that in view...


After Lift last night I went out to a mate's then to dinner and drinks (neither of which I had) then took some mates home but was keen to party on, so to speak. City was too far, and all my friends (majority anyway) were either there or at home. Considered getting a dvd so started driving to the only video store which I know is open till 11pm on a saturday night. It was a full moon last night, or close to it, and my mind wandered as i drove down wakehurst parkway back to my soul - am i nurturin it? something felt empty inside me, not empty, missing - that seems a contradiction i know. I asked God, "Tell me now Lord. I need to know now." And I found myself goin round the round-a-bout at seaforth and heading home - it was too cold to sit and ponder somewhere anyway. And as I was driving back up wakehurst parkway, the moon glowing so intensely that i really needn't use headlights (but i did) and not even the stars could be seen, i realised i'm not really missing anything at all within me...


It can be hard - at least for me - to let go and give over control to someone else. I have a body. But one day I wil lose it - growing old, inevitably dying. But I am a soul. I may not have my meaning and purpose, my immediate future. But couldn't one say that I am a meaning and purpose? and so are you?... we are just yet to discover it, it is yet to be revealed... and so we wait...




When I said, "My foot is slipping,"

your love, O Lord, supported me.

When anxiety was great within me,

your consolation brought joy to my soul. ~ Psalm 94:18-19

home...

where is home?

is it the house i live in?... or used to live in?...

is it where my family is?... brisbane, melbourne, sawtell, northbridge, hornsby, belrose... and

who is my family? by blood, by friendship, by belief?

is home where the heart is?... and where is my heart?

is it where you feel loved, feel welcomed, feel supported, feel unique, feel included, feel touched, feel excited, feel joy... feel you?

is a tangible place... fixed or ever-changing?

is it dependent on the individual, the environment, political, social or economic factors?

is it already known to me or am i yet to find it?

is it even part of this world?


maybe i've already found it.

maybe it's not where you live, but who you live for.

maybe family isn't a word you think twice about when you're there.

maybe my heart's already there, and that's why I feel torn.

maybe it's not about what we feel but simply who we are.

maybe it is both permanent yet it's exact fixture ad occupants are not yet fully established.

maybe it's not dependant on a factor, but a figure.

maybe I know exactly where it is, but I just can't go there yet...