Wandering Thoughts

Driving home that night I thought of you
My mind drifted off the road
Found that I was driving past your house
But I was on my way home

You weren't there
You never saw me
It was my fear
Held out before me

She blinded your sight
With hopes and dreams you never knew
Come back tonight, forget her
I'll be your nurse, forever

You weren't there
You never saw me
It was my fear
Held out before me

You weren't there
You never saw me
Please take my fear
Held out before me

Driving home this night I'll think of you
Of how far we'd've come, of all we'll never go through
Found I wasn't driving past your house
I've come to the conclusion...



original lyrics 2008 bricrane

And You, It's Not All About Me

I'm sorry
it had to end this way
Surely our friendship
lasts longer than this day

Why did
it have to come to this?
I'm almost 21
Never been kissed

How can you forgive me
for all I put you through
Believing that my future has
nothing to do with you

The candle burns
right down to the wick
The last few years
have flown by all too quick

How can you forgive me
for all I put you through
Believing that my future has
nothing to do with you

How can you forgive me
when I can't forgive myself
I don't believe I broke your heart
cause it's saved for someone else

How can you forgive me
After all, this is the truth
But I believe your future holds
more than me for you

I'm sorry
(I'm almost 21)
It had to end this way
(Never been kissed)



original lyrics 2008 bricrane

If You Knew the Future, Would You Still Ask These Questions? (Doors and Hallways)

Walking down the hallway
of the choices of my life
Cobwebs of distraction
Tangle up my sight
Doorways of decision
To what might be or what may come
Rooms remain unknown
Until they're made a home

Which one to choose?
Which key to turn?
or how, or when?
I'm yet to learn

Brush away the cobwebs
Sweep away the dust
Oil up the hinges
Scrape away the rust
Find the key that fits the lock
Turn it if you dare
Open up the door of choice
Step into the glare

Which one to choose?
Which key to turn?
or how, or when?
Begin to learn

The stairway leads to Heaven
The sky becomes the ceiling
Leave behind the cobwebs
Step up into freedom

Which one to choose?
Which key to turn?
or how, or when?
Begin to yearn

I'm walking down a hallway
There's lights in every room
Doors open wide before me
I'll be coming home soon



original lyrics 2008 bricrane

What are you afraid of?

What is it that drives us?
What keeps us going?
What do we strive for?
What do we long for?
What do we dream of?
And is a dream something that is more like a goal or is it, by (I think) definition, something unreal, something perhaps achievable but something beyond what we can foresee? For, to me, a dream is, by definition, an un-reality - just part of the subconscious. But that gets into a debate on the function of our mind. And then onto the physical boundaries and limits of the human mind. Or perhaps a better box would be the human brain... I diverse...

What are you afraid of?
What are you willing to give up, to sacrifice, to risk, in order to go somewhere in life? And where is that somewhere? And is it worth it?

Does fear drive you?
Does love drive you?

Are fears and insecurities the same thing?
Is there an umbrella 'fear'?
I would like to suggest that there is - it is the fear of the unknown. This fear feeds the fear of consequences; the fear of rejection; the fear of failure. It gives birth to the little insecurities that help govern our everyday life. 'Do I push through the orange light or brake hard and stop at the red?' 'Do I speak up and say what is on my mind, or keep quiet and let someone else do the speaking?' 'Do I make a decision that leads to a minor change, which may then have a domino effect, resulting in a major change?'
It's speculation. It's the 'what if?' the 'but...' It's the indecisiveness ("maybe I'm indecisive").
It breeds regret. It harvests self-pity and weighs down self-esteem.

Why are we afraid?
What do we have to be afraid of?
Are we happy where we are, what we are doing and don't want change? Change is inevitable. (Resistance is futile.)

WHY?

Why do we ask questions we do not know the answers to?
Why do we ask questions we do not want an answer to?
Why do we ask questions when we know an answer does not exist?
Why do we ask questions at all?


"Where does it come from? This quest - this need to solve life's mysteries when the simplest of questions can never be answered? Why are we here? What is the soul? Why do we dream? Perhaps we'd be better off not looking at all. Not delving. Not yearning. That's not human nature. Not the human heart. That is not why we are here." ~ Heroes Season 1 Episode 1

Is it merely human nature?
Just our inquisitive minds?
And does not knowing, not wanting, or knowing an answer does not exist dispell the need or relevance of a question?

What are you afraid of?
It's just a question.

Dilemma

The heartbeat races faster
As it grows closer to the time
The headache proves the tension
Between my heart and mind

Blood rises to the surface
Whenever you're around
Your audience is captivated
They needn't make a sound

So naive to the perceptions
Of the world beyond my own
The ink acts as a reminder
That's why I sing this song

This is my dilemma
Why I cannot make a choice
Between the options laid before me
So I'm singing through the noise

The empty bottle on the table
Beckons just one more
The tunes play through the iPod
"Take me on the floor"

So naive to the perceptions
Of the world beyond my own
The ink acts as a reminder
That's why I sing this song

This is my dilemma
Why I cannot make a choice
Between the options laid before me
So I'm singing through the noise


original lyrics 2008 bricrane

You Do Not Own My Hair

You don't own my hair
You don't own my wrist
You don't own my ears
You don't own my speech
You don't own my mind
You don't own my heart
You don't own my soul
You don't own any part
of me
You don't own me

You tell me that I'm your's
You claim that I'm your own
My life belongs to someone else
This time is just a loan

I was not made for this place
But here right now I'll roam
And find some meaning in this life
Though this is not my home


You call me every night
And ask how my day was
The leash pulls around my neck
You choke me all because

You think that I am your's
And claim that I'm your own
You wall me in on all sides
To keep me in your zone



original lyrics 2008 bricrane

"Psalm 38" (Slipping)

Naked although I'm clothed
Bruised with no sign on pain
Broken but held together
Bleeding but it doesn't stain

Lonely yet surrounded
Deceived but not converted
I speak but do not listen
To a world that is perverted

Like a burden
Too heavy to hold
My heart is anguished
Inside it groans

My heart pounds
My strength fails me
My eyes dim
The light escapes me

I am slipping...

For I am about to fall
My pain is ever with me
Do I have the right to call
I cry out, O God, come quickly


original lyrics 2008 bricrane

December

So much seems hopeless to me
A feeling of indifference it seems
If you can wait till the end of this year
Perhaps I'll be less apathetic my dear

All the rules all the restrictions of this time
Will fall away just as fast as the clock chimes
It's midnight on the first of the last month of '08
Is it too late to love you? I can't sleep, I lie awake

December
Wait for December

[insert 3rd verse here]

December
This December

Now it's over I can't wait
Or have I left it all too late
Will you want to talk to me
About all we can be
Did you even know I cared
And wrote this song for you, I spared;
I spared my love for you alone
But did I get it wrong?

December
In December

But as it stands I am locked into this cage
I can't find the words to write down on this page
All I am, all I feel could never fill the books I own
Cause I can't seem to form a sentence, let alone a song


original lyrics 2008 bricrane

In Search of the Sky

Have you ever just sat and
Stared into the sky
Hoping to find somewhere
An answer to the Why

Did you see that cloud pass by -
Was that the face of your true love
But the wind blew it apart
And you were left just with the sky to stare at

Where do you go from there
Do you let her pass by
Will you follow her anywhere
You're in search of the sky

Have you ever laid down and
Stared at the night sky
Hoping to find up there
The answers to the Why's

Did you see that star shoot on by
Did you make a wish for someone special
But the comet fell apart
And you were left just with the sky to stare at

Where do you go from there
Do you let her pass by
Do you follow her anywhere
You're in search of the sky

But can't you see that she is looking high
She's searching Heaven for her why
If you just look into her eyes
You'll be searching the skies

Where does she go from here
When she passes you by
Does she want you to follow near
In the search of the sky

So where will you go from there
Will you let her pass by
Or will you follow her anywhere
In the search of the sky
It's the search of the sky


COPYRIGHT bricrane 2008

Cryptic (Keeping Score)

Everything has a reason
Every action has a meaning
I don't just do it cause I bore
Not a game but I'm keeping score

Of every word and look and thought
I analyse them till you're caught
Caught off-guard, you didn't realise
And it came as quite a surprise

That I would notice you weren't there
But then not act as if I care
When inside my heart is breaking
But I dare not show the aching

I'm insecure to the bone
I do not want to be alone
With every word and thought and look
I cannot be read like a book

This was the story all along
You cannot ever prove me wrong
Of anything I've ever done
The game is over. Who has won?

Every action has a reason
And everything has a meaning
The total is the sum of all
Things in our lives. I'm keeping score.


original lyrics 2008 bricrane

restless peace

On Tuesday (5.8.8) we were taken to North Head, which has a beautiful view over the bays to the city and beyond to the sea - Pacific Ocean on the left, city in front to the south and the North Shore to the right... the reason:.. find God, get something from Him.

This is what I got...


The wind blows
The water ripples and flows
A plane flies overhead
A speed boat drones some place I cannot see
I hear at least three varieties of birds
A car drives by
I listen as it nears, circles round, and finally parks somewhere near me
Chatter breaks the silence
I am distracted
A place inside me shatters
I grasp at It
But It falls through my fingers
I can hear construction somewhere nearby
The clang of metal against metal
The alarm bell on a wrist watch signals 10am... twice
A motorbike engine behind me
People walking
People ever-moving
I grasp at that peace that seems to be elluding me
Murmers in my ears try to hold me back
A currowong call
The hum of cicadas
Pen scratching on paper
The click of a camera
A page turns
A mobile phone is opened and quickly shut
Distant noises of engines, various means of transport
Car keys jingle
Voices call out
The birds twitter louder
The hammering continues
A sea plane overhead

Restlessness

It's all I can hear
Yet the peace is there

I see headlands
A city
An ocean
Where the city meets the sea
(I smile - a song plays in the back of my mind)
Where the bush meets surburbia
I see a dozen different plants
Then a scattering of cigarette butts
I see people searching for God
by writing
by drawing
by praying
by just sitting and taking in this Creation

A car cools down behind me
A bird flies in front of me
Someone sighs

Nothing is undisturbed -
There seems to be only restlessness

Creation is not peaceful - it is restless
Waiting and restless

I try to block out people speaking, motors running, the cityscape on the horizon
But cannot
Behind me is a carpark
In front of me is a city that cannot stop
Not even for a second
I see and hear tormented beauty
A restless peace
This is not intention
This is perversion
It is sunny
But the light only makes known the shadows
We cannot stop
We can slow down for an hour and try to find God
But it shouldn't be so hard
He's right there
in the wind that blows
in the sun bearing down
in the ripples of the waters
in the clouds of the sky
in the call of the birds
in the rocky cliffs and shrub-covered hills
even in the smog and haze
the skyscrapers
the engine motors
in each person's pen and pencil and page
in every person...

He is more than we can see or hear
Beyond our thoughts and comparisons
His peace is not just in silence
His comfort not in a single hour of the day
His presence is everywhere and always

Crickets hum
Birds twitter
Paper pages flip in the breeze
An engine drones
A person sighs

This is a world in waiting...

...restless peace

i can't keep waiting to live

how do i explain a situation?

is it ever so simple as this or that?is it really ever a matter of answering yes, or no...?

ask me how i amask me what's going on in my lifeask me to explain how i'm feeling

i could answer you: great. good. not too bad. alright. yeah...

is that really an answer. is it really so... bland. bland, boring: that's what i think that kind of an answer is. a copout. an easy option.

do you really want to know, or are you just asking to be polite? or maybe you do want to know, but don't want commit time or emotion to find out the whole truth.

because there's truth. and then there's truth. you know, i might tell you something - it's not a lie, but it's not the whole story. i'm holding back.

or maybe i actually can't tell you everything. not because i don't want to (although, maybe i don't actually want to, which is why i don't...) but maybe because i don't know myself how i'm really going, what i'm really feeling. i cannot express. not because i don't want to nor know how to but because i don't know what i'm expressing.

and so i write.

nothing in particular.

just my thoughts.

about life. about thinking. about nothing.

...

i had a song stuck in my head this morning. a few actually. all very different songs by very different people. but they had all written these songs. that they had in common - an expression of themselves in musical form, just getting it out there. and so i write... i don't feel like singing...

i can't keep waiting to live...

ask me how i am
ask me how life is going
ask me what i feel

why can't i just answer yes, or no?
why can't it be that easy?
it can
i just overcomplicate
i think...
i analyse...
then it goes too far
i make it more than it is. or, rather, more than it could be. it is what it is. but i could make it less complicated. more simplified. easier. i could...

but i don't want to. i think that's the problem. i like complicated. i like hard.

so i reach a dilemna...

do i make it easy. do i say just yes. just no. and not commit, not reveal the whole picture. do i tell the whole truth. the whole story. but do you want to hear it? do i make some middle ground. a comprimise.

yes. no. good. bad. right. wrong. can it really be so simple? so black and white?

do i deny myself, who i am, so that no one feels uncomfortable? do i even care if you're uncomfortable? i am...

you were the one that asked how i was, how my life was going, what i was feeling...

but i am tired

I am tired
But I cannot sleep
There is too much to do
Too much to accomplish
Too many people
Too much work

Even as my eyes grow weary
My eyelids feel the gravity
My head begins to tilt
My mind starts to wander

I can hear
I still listen
But it flows through me
Like a gentle creek
Flows over boulders
So the words
Flow over me
And I am unchanged

Then I stir
My consciousness awakes
My eyes drift upward
I jerk upright

This is not the place I just was
You are speaking words I do not understand
Like pages ripped from a book
I know not the context
The background
The story you speak of

Why do you look at me
As though I were asleep?
I was here
I was listening
I was just resting my eyes

How I wish I could rest them more

I see only turmoil
Dismay and disruption
Depression and destruction
I see a river
But it flows too gently
I need to go upstream
I need to seek fresher water
Where the river gushes forth from it's source
Where even boulders roll
It is a mighty river
It demands change
It refreshens
It replenishes
It renews
I am satisfied
It quenches my thirst

My eyes grow weary
But my soul is awake
It is ready
It is waiting
For the new day
For there is work to be done
There are people to see
There are boulders to roll
And new paths to create
Where the river has not flown before
Where the rocks are overgrown
with moss and weeds
and entangled in the vines
They too thirst
Thirst for movement
For change
For freedom
But what can they do?
They are just rocks
I am just a weary person
But the river is within me

I must rest now
But the river is waiting
Waiting for the sunrise
When the floodgates open
And it can spring forth
and fill the land
With fresh water
With living water

But I cannot sleep
There is too much to do